It Burns! It Burns!!
There is an event in Yetiville, Worcestershire that attracts the town’s folk in doves. Is it the meeting of the council to decide important decisions effecting the town? No. We couldn't care less. Is it the home coming of a victorious sporting team? No, any team home coming would be a stoning because of the lack of victory. The thing that gets said masses juices flowing are giant explosions in the sky.
Bonfire night, where massive piles of useless wood are set alight to celebrate the thwarting of dastardly plan to blow up politicians (I use the term 'celebrate' lightly), and fireworks are let off to keep the neighbours up. The Bonfire is lit in the middle of an approximately three month long fireworks season.
Every year in the local Yetiville park there is a free display (free as in this year's council taxes were used to fund it, hence lack of schools) which the town empties into. Here you notice two things: 1, the town has a very large population; 2, this is a very small park. Thing's can get very social. Average walking speed is four and a half feet an hour, and the trampling of the grass underfoot turns the ground into quicksand. Prizes are up for those who are left standing.
While walking/being pushed/dragged/trodden on/falling/crawling/trodden on again, around the park there are various games you can play to pass the time. There's 'Spot the drug industry', 10 points for a junkie, 50 points for a dealer, take 100 points off if you become either by the end of the evening. This one is best played with friends as you can tally your scores against each other at the end of the evening. There's 'Who can get the largest law suit', as with most things there is the parasitical fair ground at such events and with such things electrical cables the diameter of your thigh lying around, this leaves ample opportunity for a short trip and a massive settlement. (If you are of fair ground stock here's a tip, but the generators next to the gaudy mechanical monstrosity instead of the other side of the park). There's the 'Couldn't Really Afford Proper musicians (C.R.A.P. musicians) who are always at these kind of gatherings throw', throw the C.R.A.P. musician the furthest and you are awarded with silence. Blessed, wonderful silence. Instant win is if you manage to get the C.R.A.P. musician on the Bonfire.
When every tall person in the town is standing infront of you, the fireworks will begin. Behind a tree. No matter where you stand, the fireworks will always be behind a tree. But luckily the bits you do see are pretty enough for author's brain to go to it's happy place and find nothing to complain about.....
Twenty minutes later....
Who designed this bloody park?!! The only way out is over two tiny footbridges over the smallest (now barriered because otherwise it would be too easy) brook in the world. It is human grid lock and you're stuck on the wrong side of hell sinking into the mud with the junkies who are all too happy to describe to you the magical colours they just saw in the sky (follow them for an easy 50 points) and the surviving C.R.A.P. musicians who have free reign over the night air now the prettiness has stopped (Mental note to self: bring petrol, bottles, rags, fire and a musak homing device next year). Things get social again.
Finally over one of the two footbridges which are knee high in mud now and you're back into gaudy mechanical monstrosity land, sprinkled with various food stands, here 'Who can get salmonella the fastest' is not a game people play voluntarily. Queuing for one of the donut or candyfloss stands, queue jumping is not just okay, it’s expected.
At this point I must tell you about the mysterious properties of candyfloss. Many think candyfloss is melted sugar spun into fine strands. A decent understanding, but totally incorrect. Candyfloss is a pink fungus. You don't believe me? Consider the evidence. Candyfloss will stick like glue to anything; you could hold aeroplanes together with the stuff, like fungus (if anyone asked about fungus and planes, you never saw me). And candyfloss can double in size, or population, in a matter of minutes. Why else would my beard be pink at this current time? Gentlemen with beards beware.
On a side note about burger vans (I use the term burger lightly. Is it beef? Is it rat? Is it Paul the ex- work experience lad?) why do they have ceiling tiles like they have in offices? If you know the answer, send it on a post card to....
Elbow your way out of the park and you finally have some room for your lungs to expand and contract and it's the way home, avoiding the off licenses and the cider drinking gangs outside of them. And enjoy an encore of the night in your neighbour's back garden. Until three in the morning. For the next six weeks.
Keep the prettiness.
Nitey Nite
Boom Boom
P.S. To the three who I went to the park with, I had a lovely time (despite what you might have read).
P.P.S. The fire comes from carbon atoms in the smoke which are so hot that they emit light causing the fire you see. The fire 'goes away' as it rises because it cools down and doesn't emit light anymore. -For one of the three.
Bonfire night, where massive piles of useless wood are set alight to celebrate the thwarting of dastardly plan to blow up politicians (I use the term 'celebrate' lightly), and fireworks are let off to keep the neighbours up. The Bonfire is lit in the middle of an approximately three month long fireworks season.
Every year in the local Yetiville park there is a free display (free as in this year's council taxes were used to fund it, hence lack of schools) which the town empties into. Here you notice two things: 1, the town has a very large population; 2, this is a very small park. Thing's can get very social. Average walking speed is four and a half feet an hour, and the trampling of the grass underfoot turns the ground into quicksand. Prizes are up for those who are left standing.
While walking/being pushed/dragged/trodden on/falling/crawling/trodden on again, around the park there are various games you can play to pass the time. There's 'Spot the drug industry', 10 points for a junkie, 50 points for a dealer, take 100 points off if you become either by the end of the evening. This one is best played with friends as you can tally your scores against each other at the end of the evening. There's 'Who can get the largest law suit', as with most things there is the parasitical fair ground at such events and with such things electrical cables the diameter of your thigh lying around, this leaves ample opportunity for a short trip and a massive settlement. (If you are of fair ground stock here's a tip, but the generators next to the gaudy mechanical monstrosity instead of the other side of the park). There's the 'Couldn't Really Afford Proper musicians (C.R.A.P. musicians) who are always at these kind of gatherings throw', throw the C.R.A.P. musician the furthest and you are awarded with silence. Blessed, wonderful silence. Instant win is if you manage to get the C.R.A.P. musician on the Bonfire.
When every tall person in the town is standing infront of you, the fireworks will begin. Behind a tree. No matter where you stand, the fireworks will always be behind a tree. But luckily the bits you do see are pretty enough for author's brain to go to it's happy place and find nothing to complain about.....
Twenty minutes later....
Who designed this bloody park?!! The only way out is over two tiny footbridges over the smallest (now barriered because otherwise it would be too easy) brook in the world. It is human grid lock and you're stuck on the wrong side of hell sinking into the mud with the junkies who are all too happy to describe to you the magical colours they just saw in the sky (follow them for an easy 50 points) and the surviving C.R.A.P. musicians who have free reign over the night air now the prettiness has stopped (Mental note to self: bring petrol, bottles, rags, fire and a musak homing device next year). Things get social again.
Finally over one of the two footbridges which are knee high in mud now and you're back into gaudy mechanical monstrosity land, sprinkled with various food stands, here 'Who can get salmonella the fastest' is not a game people play voluntarily. Queuing for one of the donut or candyfloss stands, queue jumping is not just okay, it’s expected.
At this point I must tell you about the mysterious properties of candyfloss. Many think candyfloss is melted sugar spun into fine strands. A decent understanding, but totally incorrect. Candyfloss is a pink fungus. You don't believe me? Consider the evidence. Candyfloss will stick like glue to anything; you could hold aeroplanes together with the stuff, like fungus (if anyone asked about fungus and planes, you never saw me). And candyfloss can double in size, or population, in a matter of minutes. Why else would my beard be pink at this current time? Gentlemen with beards beware.
On a side note about burger vans (I use the term burger lightly. Is it beef? Is it rat? Is it Paul the ex- work experience lad?) why do they have ceiling tiles like they have in offices? If you know the answer, send it on a post card to....
Elbow your way out of the park and you finally have some room for your lungs to expand and contract and it's the way home, avoiding the off licenses and the cider drinking gangs outside of them. And enjoy an encore of the night in your neighbour's back garden. Until three in the morning. For the next six weeks.
Keep the prettiness.
Nitey Nite
Boom Boom
P.S. To the three who I went to the park with, I had a lovely time (despite what you might have read).
P.P.S. The fire comes from carbon atoms in the smoke which are so hot that they emit light causing the fire you see. The fire 'goes away' as it rises because it cools down and doesn't emit light anymore. -For one of the three.
5 Comments:
tee hee, thanks for the fire thing yetiman
Candyfloss rules!!!
oooh i like that firework, the one with the spermies xD
from orgyfull
Does that mean we all live in Yetiville?
Scary :(
Nice to see you enjoyed the evening though.
How many points did you score?
10,060 points
Woah!
Who won?
I think...me. But im not sure.
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