Annie get my pea-shooter

I didn't sleep at all last night, which means I've been up for far too many hours now. I've 'skived' school today, as I would be doing an excellent impression of a turnip in class if I went.

But now I wish I had gone, for my house is under attack.

When I walked into the kitchen this morning after all the relatives left I saw a few tiny blurred black dots walking across the floor. After a couple of minutes of my eyes focusing I squealed in horror and leapt back several feet as a recognised the tiny black dots to be ants.

There were only a few this morning, about five scouting and a couple more sticking close to the under-the-freezer. I thought I might have a bit of fun trapping them, so I picked up the salt cellar (see what I mean about being a turnip) and drew a couple of circles around small bunches of ants. This seemed to have them guessing for now and so I left them to watch something on TV. When I came back they were crawling all over the walls of salt, in and out the circles, waving their tiny behinds at me and singing #neh-neh-neh-neh-neh#.

Fine.

I left them. There was only a few of them. Let them have their fun.

A couple of hours later.

I go into the kitchen to get a drink and there on the floor forming an orderly line to where I assumed was the dustbin were funking hundreds of them. Every couple of minutes legions of them would march from under the freezer and join the queue (obviously British ants) for the spoils. I thought they were going for the dustbin, how wrong I was.

When I put my glass on the counter to put some cordial in I squealed in horror and leapt back a couple of yards. The counter was swarming with the bastards. I looked in shocked amazement as the line crawled from under the freezer, across the floor, up the cupboard to the fruit on the counter. To get back down some would simply jump off the counter and then carry on walking after a few small bounces. I quickly finished what I was doing and strided over the fast becoming M6 of ants and ran in the dining room where I occasionally sneak glimpses around the door to see (by which I mean hope) if ants are civilised enough to use birth control. Current observations are not hopeful.

I've heard a couple of thuds in the past few minutes, I'm guessing those are the oranges and apples of their ill-gotten gains.

For now I'm fortifying myself in a manly way against the Antis of Evil and waiting for reinforcements to wipe out the opposition. Reinforcement codename: Mama bird.

Currently suffering from: Paranoid itching.

Ants are the only species other than humans to wage war against their own species.