Blades at dawn

I'm an evolutionist, it's part of the package when you tick the box next to 'Atheist'. But god it can be useful to be a creationist sometimes: You get to blame someone.

Why oh why God did you give men beards?

I think I started growing beards from the age of three and ever since I've dreaded the point where it gets itchy, as they always do, it means that it is time to shear the thing off. When I first started with the whole facial hair removal thing I had to figure out how to do it myself, my father has a permanent beard in residence so he could not have been a guiding light, and my technique, even after all these years potential perfection time, is to scrape a shape shard of metal across my face and if you live after all the blood loss wu-whu. If I can compare my face to a mud flow, then all the trees (hair) and top soil (skin) would be washed away (razor) leaving only bedrock (bone). And yet despite having no skin I'll still have stubble.

Being a penniless student I still have to rely on this method, all the electric gizmos are either too puny or too expensive. I once bought an electric shaver out of my Christmas money (insert your bowed head in disgust emoticon here) and when I began to use it I soon discovered that all it would do would eat the flesh around the hair leaving it more prominent. So I shouted at it, as any reasonable person would, "ARE YOU A MAN OR A SHAVER?!!", to which it replied, "Well, this is a funny story actually..." and went onto delve into deep philosophical issues between the difference, or the illusion of a difference between man and shaver. It was quite easy to see it's point but easier to shove it in a draw and forget about it. Back to that napalm kiss of metal shards.

Up until piece of steal touches my skin and the work begins of scraping (yes, it is physical labour in the case of my features) this face fungus off, the Shaving Experience (opening Spring 2006) can be quiet enjoyable. For instance, shaving cream is brilliant: endless hours can drift by when you are trying to beat the length of last time's Santa's beard, slowly but surely squirting on little dabs of foam to the bottom of the jolly jiggly plane housing wave formations that would bring surfers and phycists together. But then the blade cuts through the fun. And the skin. And the tendons to etch in my jawbone "Muahahahaha".

In writing this I've received no heavenly messages, the weather outside hasn't changed and no pop ups have..well, popped up, suggesting God isn't in a rush to answer the question above, although the absence of pop ups does suggest some kind of theological intervention. So let me express evolution's suggestion. One theory is that in different times of the menstrual cycle ("we see here a young Yeti wander blindly on to the territory of the females. Some take notice and ready themselves for the kill" [You'll only get the full force of that if you are familiar with Mr. David Attenborough]) women find beardiness variably sexy. I hasten to add I did not come up with this theory, if I were to come up with a theory it would be that all women find someone a lot like me very sexy all of the time. When women are fertile they'll be more attracted to more masculine men, when they aren't they are more attracted to more feminine looking men. I heard this on one of those 'difference between the sexes' programs the BBC comes up with every few years, I watch these..I want to say religiously..in hope that science will offer me a way of getting guaranteed date. Another theory of 'women attracted to men' is that they find taller men sexier, to which I replied "Bugger" to which the TV replied "Watch your language" a fight ensued which lead to us then going down the pub to have a drink where the TV then got a date. Bitter? Yes, yes I am.

Any one seen the beaten track around here?

By now some women ("The females make to pounce") are probably thinking that they have to go through this Experience as well and that I can pee standing up. Well I've thought about that and no, this is not the case. When dancing with a razor around your face you are very close to 80% of your sensory organs and at that distance 1) they aren't sensing very much and 2) you don't want to slice them off/in/whatever. And you've got to do all of this in front of a mirror meaning limbs have to be cranked in reverse to save from shaving air. When shaving legs/arm pits/other bits it's right in front of you in forward motion. PLUS! they don't even have to use a razor, there's stuff that looks like shaving cream but you just leave it on then rinse it off with no blades in between. Or shower head looking things that "gently buff the hairs away", the nearest analogue for a bloke to that is an angle grinder.

And another thing, I can never get my sideburns level.