And now for something completely different.......

In the grand tradition of students globaly I bring you this, freshly stolen from another site.

Enjoy!

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (I wish I had!)
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 21.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . . . They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

From Yahoo

On Google

Search for "doodles.tk" on google and you will find this very site on there. Though why it is the third from last on a "doodles.tk" search is beyond me.

Kit-Kat of doom

There is a draw at the end of the kitchen
It's full of chocolate bars and chocolate biccys etc
I don't usually venture into this draw
Honest
There are usually packets of the 'fun size' bars
With only one or two items missing
If I eat one
I'll eventually eat my way through the entire packet
The other day I was just browsing through
Window shopping of the draw variety if you like
When I spied some dark chocolate Kit-Kats
One out of eight already eatten
This is new
Kit-Kats in my day only came in milk chocolate
The economy chocolate of the chocolate world
If it's a chocolate bar ninety nine out of a hundred times it'll be milk chocolate
Why am I writing like this?
Almost no grammar involved
Bliss
So I tried one of those new dark chocolate Kit-Kats
Ripped open the paper wrapper
Carefully pealed back the foil and re-wrapped it around the base of the Kit-Kat
Of course one problem of writing like this is that the spell checker will crash
Grammatical error meltdown
So that my fingers wouldn't get melted chocolate on them
And took a bite
But at this point I was distracted
I don't know by what
But I wasn't concentrating on the taste
When ever the distractor had ceased distracting
I had found
To my horror
I had eatten all the Kit-Kat and was knawing on the foil
Fortionally I have no fillings
Which isn't bad for a seventeen year old with an self imposed allery to fruit and veg
Well I spat the foil out and carried on with what I was doing before
Most likey looking at a small selection of web sites on an infinite loop
Then
Later
Which are two words that in this context mean the same so it was quite a waste of a line
I happened to remember that draw at the end of the kitchen
And the dark chocolate Kit-Kats within
And that I couldn't remember the taste but a distinct memory of tin foil
I took out another Kit-Kat
And then ate it
As one might expect with a chocolate bar
And this time I did remember the taste
It wasn't bad
Nothing to write home about
Even though I was already in my house
Five Kit-Kats out of eight left
Cor this is alot of lines
A bit later I went back to that draw
There were other things in there
Chocolate wrapped around biscuit wrapped around something sugary
And bars of sugar wrapped around sugar wrapped around sugar wrapped around chocolate
And all had at least one bar missing out of their respective packets
But I didn't look at these
Exotic as they were compared to a Kit-Kat
Even of the dark chocolate variety
I hadn't eatten any of these
So my taste buds didn't care for them
They were targeted on those five remaining Kit-Kats
My tongue an exocet missile targeted on chocolate
So I ate one
Then another
Then another
Then another
Then another
But not in that order
Or in the time it took to read that
But one by one I shuffled them all off their mortal foil
Now I ignore that draw at the end of my kitchen
For now


Spell checker has crashed

DaVinci meats Mozart

While reading about computer easter eggs on Wikipedia I found this paragraph which I found rather amusing

"Whilst computer-related Easter eggs are often found in software, occasionally they can exist in hardware or firmware of certain devices. On some PCs, the BIOS ROM contains Easter eggs. Perhaps the most famous example of a hardware Easter egg is in the HP ScanJet 5P, where the device will play the Ode to Joy by varying the stepper motor speed if you power the device up with the scan button depressed."

If you own one of these printers, please let me know if it does actually do this.

Town mouse. Country mouse

It is now illegal in Britain to hunt foxes with hounds. Which is effectivly a ban on fox hunting as we know and love/hate it. This law was passed without it going through the House of Lords, which is how laws are normally passed, the House of Commons using the Parliament Act to enforce the law without interference from the House of Lords.

I'm sure the foxes are delighted, but I question the motives of the politicians.

How many voters, sorry, people live in the towns? How many people live in the country? During the industrial revolution the countryside's population effectivly emptied into the towns where their decendants still live. This means a tiny proportion of the country live in the countryside, the rest living in ever expanding towns. I am now going to make a very crude analogy: the House of Commons represent the towns (i.e. the common population in numbers); and the House of Lords the countryside (dare I say it, with their country estates).

If you were to do a survey in Dallas, Texas, and in the Canadian Rockies whether people would like to hug a real bear, what do you think the results would say? Now translate that to Britain with foxes instead of bears. The view of a fox in the towns and city is something resembling Basil Brush, 'it has fur so it must be cuddly'. The view of a fox in the countryside is a pest, feeding off young lambs, goats and poultry, knocking a blow for farmers. I myself live in a moderatly sized town which is bordered on the west, south and east by rural Worcestershire, but I can honestly say I know almost nothing about the countryside, I don't think it would too much of an assumption to assume most people living in towns are the same. I think it is this ignorance between town and country which causes so much friction between anti-foxhunters and pro-hunters. Animal rights protesters say that this is a blood sport where the hunters are finding pleasure in the pain of the fox. Hunters say that they pest control.

There are many people who are involved in the upkeep of the animals involved in a hunt, obviously the horses and the hounds. Now fox hunting is banned, people are going to loose their jobs, and what will happen to the animals involved in the hunt? Now there is no need for so many hounds and it is unlikey that all will be kept if they have no use. How many hounds will be put down because of the end of foxhunting? Fox hunting is a business. Much like football. People get injured and killed in football riots, what is the likelyhood of football being banned?

Foxhunting did control the population of pests, whether this is the prime objective or not. Now that is has been banned, the alternatives to pest control are traps, poison and being shot. Are these so more humane than hunting with hounds?

Now foxhunting has been banned, there are obviously people who will be happy at this decision and those who won't be, and how many of each? Who will they thank at the next general election?

Nitey nite.


I understand that this was going to be an controversal post before I wrote it and I invite people to comment. But I have tried to write it logically not emotively, and if you decide to comment, please comment out of logic and not emotively.

Help The Yeti

I am no blogging veteran. I've only been releasing my thoughts into the unmoderated internet for five months now, and clicking the next blog button dozens of times I've seen blogs years long. This would suggest there are many (why isn't 'many' spelt 'meny'?) things for me to write about. But this isn't the case. 95% of the time I've got writters block. 4% of the time I'm not in a state of mind to type anything (this is the posh way of saying I'm too lazy to type anything).

So this is where you come in. In the comments put suggestions for things for me to write, but please keep them clean and remember an under 18 might stumble upon this site one day and I really wouldn't want angry parents complaining.

HELP THE YETI!!

Why I don't start conversations

Due to the nature of the internet and the currently affordable technology, interacting with people over the net is almost strictly a written messege job. Listening or viewing a person over the net is a slow blocky affair, releaved only slightly if both people have a broadband or faster connection. So if you are talking to someone, you're doing it blind and deaf.

This is okay for transfering infomation. But human beings are not computers. Emotions, facial and aural signs are important in human communication. For example, if you are having a conversation with someone and they tell a lie, you might be able to notice this, either not speaking eye to eye or a change in voice etc. But if you were to read the same set of words in an IM conversation, you might not be able to pick it up because you haven't received the clues from body language. Obviously this applies to more subtle lies, not for instance "I am a goat".

Now, say I started a IM conversation with somebody. Assuming that the person doesn't just tell me to go away or has blocked me, without certain clues from body language I don't know whether that person wants to talk to me or not. They may not have to time to talk to me, or I have ticked them off but not enough for them to block me.

It's much easier to assume that if somebody wants to talk to me, they will start a conversation. And if they don't want to talk to me, they won't start a conversation. Everybody is happy.

That is why I don't start conversations (on the internet).

(Except if there is infomation I need to know. After I've gotten what I need, it's their choice if they want to keep talking.)

It Burns! It Burns!!

There is an event in Yetiville, Worcestershire that attracts the town’s folk in doves. Is it the meeting of the council to decide important decisions effecting the town? No. We couldn't care less. Is it the home coming of a victorious sporting team? No, any team home coming would be a stoning because of the lack of victory. The thing that gets said masses juices flowing are giant explosions in the sky.

Bonfire night, where massive piles of useless wood are set alight to celebrate the thwarting of dastardly plan to blow up politicians (I use the term 'celebrate' lightly), and fireworks are let off to keep the neighbours up. The Bonfire is lit in the middle of an approximately three month long fireworks season.

Every year in the local Yetiville park there is a free display (free as in this year's council taxes were used to fund it, hence lack of schools) which the town empties into. Here you notice two things: 1, the town has a very large population; 2, this is a very small park. Thing's can get very social. Average walking speed is four and a half feet an hour, and the trampling of the grass underfoot turns the ground into quicksand. Prizes are up for those who are left standing.

While walking/being pushed/dragged/trodden on/falling/crawling/trodden on again, around the park there are various games you can play to pass the time. There's 'Spot the drug industry', 10 points for a junkie, 50 points for a dealer, take 100 points off if you become either by the end of the evening. This one is best played with friends as you can tally your scores against each other at the end of the evening. There's 'Who can get the largest law suit', as with most things there is the parasitical fair ground at such events and with such things electrical cables the diameter of your thigh lying around, this leaves ample opportunity for a short trip and a massive settlement. (If you are of fair ground stock here's a tip, but the generators next to the gaudy mechanical monstrosity instead of the other side of the park). There's the 'Couldn't Really Afford Proper musicians (C.R.A.P. musicians) who are always at these kind of gatherings throw', throw the C.R.A.P. musician the furthest and you are awarded with silence. Blessed, wonderful silence. Instant win is if you manage to get the C.R.A.P. musician on the Bonfire.

When every tall person in the town is standing infront of you, the fireworks will begin. Behind a tree. No matter where you stand, the fireworks will always be behind a tree. But luckily the bits you do see are pretty enough for author's brain to go to it's happy place and find nothing to complain about.....

Twenty minutes later....

Who designed this bloody park?!! The only way out is over two tiny footbridges over the smallest (now barriered because otherwise it would be too easy) brook in the world. It is human grid lock and you're stuck on the wrong side of hell sinking into the mud with the junkies who are all too happy to describe to you the magical colours they just saw in the sky (follow them for an easy 50 points) and the surviving C.R.A.P. musicians who have free reign over the night air now the prettiness has stopped (Mental note to self: bring petrol, bottles, rags, fire and a musak homing device next year). Things get social again.

Finally over one of the two footbridges which are knee high in mud now and you're back into gaudy mechanical monstrosity land, sprinkled with various food stands, here 'Who can get salmonella the fastest' is not a game people play voluntarily. Queuing for one of the donut or candyfloss stands, queue jumping is not just okay, it’s expected.

At this point I must tell you about the mysterious properties of candyfloss. Many think candyfloss is melted sugar spun into fine strands. A decent understanding, but totally incorrect. Candyfloss is a pink fungus. You don't believe me? Consider the evidence. Candyfloss will stick like glue to anything; you could hold aeroplanes together with the stuff, like fungus (if anyone asked about fungus and planes, you never saw me). And candyfloss can double in size, or population, in a matter of minutes. Why else would my beard be pink at this current time? Gentlemen with beards beware.

On a side note about burger vans (I use the term burger lightly. Is it beef? Is it rat? Is it Paul the ex- work experience lad?) why do they have ceiling tiles like they have in offices? If you know the answer, send it on a post card to....

Elbow your way out of the park and you finally have some room for your lungs to expand and contract and it's the way home, avoiding the off licenses and the cider drinking gangs outside of them. And enjoy an encore of the night in your neighbour's back garden. Until three in the morning. For the next six weeks.

Keep the prettiness.

Nitey Nite
Boom Boom

P.S. To the three who I went to the park with, I had a lovely time (despite what you might have read).

P.P.S. The fire comes from carbon atoms in the smoke which are so hot that they emit light causing the fire you see. The fire 'goes away' as it rises because it cools down and doesn't emit light anymore. -For one of the three.

Coming soon....

Something new will get written here soon, just as soon as my fingers get out of the plaster casts and I don't have to type with my nose any more.



That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.